I remember when I first immigrated from South Africa to Australia, I was given a gift to go on the Captain Cook Cruise ship. A boastful Sydney glistened and gleamed, flaunting her beauty to the onlookers. I was with other people on this glorious escapade, when one of them asked me, “Which city do you think is more beautiful, Sydney or Cape Town?” That question flawed me, and I did not know how to answer that. The best I could come up with was how do you choose between a gorgeous blonde or a gorgeous brunette? They are both unique in their way and what is the point of having to choose between either? It was at that time I realized how irrelevant comparison is.
You may have heard the phrase ‘comparison is the thief of joy, and I could not agree more. Why then am I writing to you to tell you that comparing yourself is good?
Well, there are two different types of comparisons. Firstly, and most addictively is the social comparison that most of us are guilty of having done or are still doing in our life.
Social Comparison
This is when we compare ourselves to our friends, colleagues, or even celebrities. You know the one, looking at the superwomen who always looks immaculate, has the perfect kids, works full time, and still manages to pull off gourmet dinners and kick-ass cakes for the school fete. Or the celebrity with the gorgeous figure and effortless fashion who is building schools all over Africa. I won’t even begin to speak about social media and the insidious messages that we receive from those highlight reels. It is hard for our life to shine in comparison.
What we are doing there is comparing our average features to their best features, and this drives our self-destructive behavior. We are focusing so much on them and drawing all the energy away from ourselves which is super disempowering.
However, a comparison is not all bad, it can be informative. It can allow us to take inventory of where we are now and what we might want to aspire to in the future. It might pique a curiosity to want to explore an experience that someone else has experienced or want to aspire to have a lifestyle, job, or harmonious relationship that someone else might have. Nothing wrong with that but only if we wean out the Social Comparison and turn it into Temporal Comparison.
Temporal Comparison
Temporal Comparison encourages us to take stock of where we would like to be in the future by comparing where we are now, and it helps us construct objectives in practical ways. Regardless of whether the dream is to change jobs, go to medical school or travel the world, we will get a clear idea of what we need to do, what we have been doing, and the changes that need to be made so that we can take realistic steps to reach our objectives. By doing this we can become clear of the obstacles in our way and then can create a sustainable action plan to move the pin in the right direction every day until we reach those goals.
Social Comparison is an ‘external scorecard’ as Warren Buffet likes to put it and Temporal Comparison is an ‘internal scorecard’. Social Comparison is more about one-upmanship whilst Temporal Comparison is about self-improvement. To make his point, Warren Buffet asks a simple question. “Would you rather be the world’s greatest lover, but everyone thinks you are the world’s worst lover, or would you rather be the world’s worst lover, but everyone thinks you’re the world’s greatest lover?
The truth is probably the latter for most because as Charles Horton Cooley, an American sociologist at the start of the 20th century said: “I am not who you think I am, I am not who I think I am, I am who I think you think I am. This statement does capture the ridiculous complexity of identity.
It is time to shed the shackles of your self-imposed prison and just understand that we can be ANYTHING, however, we cannot be EVERYTHING. There is however one thing that you are better at than other people and that is being YOU. That truly is the only game you can win. So go ahead and compare but make sure the only person you are comparing yourself to is who you were yesterday and who you choose to be today.
